Christmastime once again

Oh December! You’re here and we’re almost to another season change: A new year and

Photo by lucas mendes on Unsplash

decade. At this time of year, I round up the months with a theme to guide the following 12 months as I reflect on the experiences when I first started this full-time writing journey in 2011.

A few months ago, I actually came up with the theme of Rewards for 2020 (there’s more to that, but I’ll share as the end of 2019 draws near). I chose this based on the previous years’ themes.

Here’s the breakdown:

2016 – Transformation

2017 – Freedom

2018 – Actualization

2019 – Equilibrium

2020 – Rewards 

What can I say about December?

Photo by Wouter Salari on Unsplash

It was always a sort of solemn time of year (for me in particular) – growing up as the last child and all the way into adulthood, then moreso when my Dad passed away. This week was in fact the 5-year anniversary of his death on this physical plane.

The details of that night never fades, but I feel as though I have more or less healed the pain of his loss in my heart and his advice in times of confusion or heartbreak (at least for now). Prior to that, the sadness I felt at Christmas had a lot to do with the fact that most of our family lived overseas – including our nucleus family.

When I got used to that fact and finally came out of my so-called self-induced cocoon, I felt as though I was trapped in a Lifetime movie – since during those years I seemed to be always going through some sort of break-up. The intense excitement of a new romance, or dating for a few months and then boom – there was no more!

Just like that (depending on what year it was!), we both came to the realization that it was pretty much pointless since we wanted two different things. Sorta similar to the George Michael song – Fast Love. Ha! Yeah – maybe because I wasn’t sure how to answer the question: “Sooo, what do you really want?”

Not answering the question

Photo by Zdeněk Macháček on Unsplash

Silly I know, but yes I didn’t know what I wanted during those years and apparently that was a huge deciding factor and indication of where things will eventually lead and who had the control! Then I realized I wasn’t alone when I spoke to all the divorced couples and single people of all ages going through the same confusion of either marrying too young, or not being able to find (or decide on) a Mr. or Mrs. Right based on what they saw, heard or experienced in their life up to that point.

I think it was partly my fault in those days since I don’t think I ever felt that connection to THE ONE – I guess because I didn’t meet him yet. A few felt a bit like ‘the one’ due to familiarity; but now that I’m older, they could not have been by any stretch of the word. Perhaps they were meant to be someone else’s ‘one’ – and anything serious happening between us at that time would have ruined it for both of our futures! That would have been a mind bender in previous years, but it’s funny what age, time and diverse life experiences can do for healing your heart and your perspective on life. 

Reality

Let’s face it. It is nice having someone you can always talk to, hang with or call on for support. Whether it’s just a lending hand, shoulder to lean on, or listening ear. But some people just weren’t meant to stay in your life forever and ever – even when it felt that way at times.

It could have been they were just filling a void or showed up in your life at that juncture to open your eyes and teach you a valuable lesson so that you can define the characteristics you really find admirable and beautiful in a person who truly complements and brings out the best in you personally, spiritually and professionally. When (and if) you do, communication and understanding will become oh-so-easier to live as happily and comfortably a life as possible.

Here’s how I came up with this theory

  1. If you have to convince people that you enjoy their company too many times over a period of years, then that’s a no-go for me – something somewhere needs to be healed in order to embrace love when you see it.
  2. If you think there’s a constant power struggle going on for a period of years – regardless of your gender, then that’s a nope too. Relationships shouldn’t be about someone winning, or being better at something, giving or accepting ultimatums. Or worse: “I’ll fall back to you when I’m bored.” It should be about listening and compromising and following your intuition at any given point in time to follow your heart when everything in your being screams – ‘This is RIGHT’. 
  3. If you think that you can’t trust that this is love (or a green light) and have to ask the other person one too many times: “So what exactly is it about this person (in your past, or present!) that doesn’t measure up to me?” Then you haven’t successfully communicated your feelings and intentions with that person. It could very well be that they just don’t trust you either, it doesn’t feel right (compatibility issues), or they are unaware that you have feelings or that they run so deep.
  4. If you think that you can’t tell this person the full truth once you’ve known them a while, or you think that they can’t handle the truth, then you shouldn’t be with them is all – since there’ll never be trust and peace of mind!

Present day Christmas

Now that hearts have been healed and the past have been more or less cleansed, so that it can’t interrupt the present (too much), though a lot has happened within the past five years to make this time of year feel even more empty physically, but funny enough I feel in better spirits when it comes to having life figured out and a clearer picture of what I want. Many of the places and people that felt like ‘home’ are no longer in my life because we are in totally different mental and spiritual places.

I feel generally happier for one simple reason. I no longer allow people to control my joy and in so doing, I can wield so much more control over who enters my life because I know it’s because they really want to be there – no strings attached. So I guard my energy and emotions and how I transition from one moment or emotion to the next.

Family will always be family 

Photo by Monika Grabkowska on Unsplash

Regardless of where we go or what we do (I hope!) family will always tolerate your yucky ways, and you theirs. Your blood/DNA and heart will always connect you till the end of time – no matter WHAT or WHO ATTEMPTS to tear you apart.

There’s an unspoken communication in most families I think that tells you regardless of what you do, you’re always forgiven, they’ll always care and always defend you – no matter how bad things get. Sometimes without you ever fully knowing how far they’ll go to defend you.

If it seems like a blood relative has turned their back on you and you can’t feel in your heart and soul there’s still a connection or things will improve one day, then I think your blood has betrayed its own in some way (maybe unawares). Honestly, I believe that you will always feel connected to your DNA – in this physical plane, or the spiritual one – even without words.

I also think that if you open your mind and heart to emotionally connect and marry someone that makes you feel this way, then this is THEE ONE that will last till the end of time and protect you from the evils of this world – greed, sloth, anger, envy, (lust) and spiritual wickedness.

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Happy December! Happy Holidays.

Live long & prosper.

Carolyn x

 

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