Identity forming, freedom making

Easter is upon us and I had a dream that I should pen some thoughts on this enigma of identity. Many of us go through life searching. Searching for our roots. Searching for a place to call home. Searching for a place where we belong. Searching for our [soul] ‘tribe’: the people that ‘get us’ unabashedly without fail, no matter what we do, or where we go in life – geographically, spiritually, emotionally, professionally.

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I shared the strangest secret to a friend around this time in 2018. The discussion stemmed from WWF Wrestlemania no less! A pair who recently got married found out (after the fact) that one of them didn’t want kids! We both had a good laugh and I shared my ‘silent epiphanies’ on relationships, one of which was that people would accept crap from some and treat others like crap for the slightest perceived slight. Why is this?

Does it trace back to identity? What is identity? Do we feel as though we have to worship at the feet (so to speak) of some and be a ‘master’ or ‘mistress’ to others? Hmmph. Not quite sure, but I’ll take a stab in the dark and share my views (based on where I’m at along my journey).

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History has a lot to do with how we form and shape our identity collectively, and genetically on an individual level.

Our repressed (and sometimes traumatic) memories passed through the generations via our blood and psyches via colonization I strongly believe affect how we feel in our skin.

How we were raised and socialized comprise a huge chunk of how we dealt with our inherited historical legacy (financial, knowledge, spiritual) and what came with it (pain/gain/rule/conquer/divide/master/servant). 

So too is our exposure and willingness to embrace different experiences (and cultures) throughout our lives to connect the missing links that we may have forgotten based on how far we have journeyed to get to the place we’re at today.

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Our progress in healing our hearts to treat with similar (future) situations depends on how we internalize and rationalize those experiences to find closure and equilibrium.

I’ve had this discussion with so many people over the years to know that nothing is ever as easy and linear as sentences on a page (not that that’s easy either 😉 ).

People evolve at different rates and ways based on how much they’ve had to cope with in life and how equipped they are to transcend and transform that pain and shed that burden.

For the sake of being a devil’s advocate (not that I am friends with that guy, or even know who he is) you cannot force someone to do something that does not feel natural. People will treat you how they have learnt to treat you for what you represent to them, based on what they know thus far. Even if you pour sugar on them and kill them with kindness, there’s this spiritual energy that either divides or connects.

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This I believe varies from person-to-person. You can chalk it up (or down) to chemistry, maturity, being comfortable in your own skin and secure in who you are and what you have achieved personally and professionally in life.

I’m sure you won’t want to share a donut (or a bed, unabashedly) or a seat on the bus, or be in close proximity for too long with someone who you were conditioned to feel in your heart core (gut) is a threat to your masculinity, femininity, or emotional, physical, psychological or financial stability. Most importantly, your spiritual stability and well-being (if you are so inclined) since this is the hardest to shake and erase from your soul.

If the two parties do not feel comfortable enough to communicate real issues and feelings, then what good is a (long) lasting friendship, relationship or marriage? Both people can be guilty of wrongs, but how do you know (for sure) who (or what) started it?

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I reckon that’s why marriages and friendships crumble after a few moments of sharing a personal space for longer than a long weekend! If one or the other do not feel comfortable (or safe) saying: “I do not like it when you do THIS or THAT … When you did THIS or THAT it really hurt my feelings … I felt betrayed, or I felt that I cannot trust you, or … I felt that you don’t trust me.”

What’s worse is if one party is emotionally mature to say the words (not knowing precisely how the other would react) and still the other person totally trips over the words, or how it is said. (And!) even when tempers and emotions subside and they’re not in a position to own up to the wrongs (or rights) and work on consistently fixing it.

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Two people will never have a solid friendship or relationship or marriage or raise upright children if they cannot communicate what they are feeling deep down and commit to working it out. They will always seek external sources to attempt to solve their problems, oftentimes making matters way worse than how they started. Resolution can only happen with time and experience, respect and commitment to each other.

If someone does the same things over and o’er having the knowledge of how you feel and they still cannot comprehend or respect simple courtesies, then perhaps cutting your losses (so to speak) is the best thing you can do to preserve the pleasant memories you shared with them. In my book, this can only mean one of two things: your mind, heart and souls are not aligned. The other conclusion I’ll save for another time.

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Dragging something out and delaying the inevitable is ruining what drew you together in the first place. In the absence of the (natural) ability, desire and comfort within yourself and the other parties to effectively communicate (not only words, but emotions),  progress will always be slowed and you’re better off apart.

It would better serve you to work out your grievances with whomever internally (after you’ve attempted to talk it out) so you don’t carry it forward into another friendship or relationship. Or worse: pass it onto innocent bystanders (co-workers, customers, relatives, or your children and a brand new generation).

My Endless Love,

Carolyn x

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Coming sooon!

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