Holay! (Excuse my Spanglish, Google is so far away when your days run like mine).
Guess what? My birthday is literally 5 days away! (Well, not if this blog takes me until Monday to post 🙂
What a year this has been. My goodness! Those of you who’ve been following my blog for a bit, will know that this (round-up) is customary for me right before I turn another corner.
Hope you can relate in some way 🙂
ThIS birthday is a tad different. This one is a HUGGGEE milestone in my history!
Lots of changes, surprises n plot twists to heal and celebrate. I kinda got lost along the way, at times.
Almost lost my (true) self for a minute there (and other things also (: )
Then life would always save me and lead me back to my true essence and true purpose – which is to write my OWN story and what ‘plays out‘ as the band plays on.
It sure has been one helluva ride this decade ESP! One day, I may even compile all these
earth strong birthday milestones + epiphanies each year has brought to my life.
Gosh, looking back on it now, I prolly sounded like the brattiest brat anyone has ever met!
The agony! my ‘poor’ family + closest friends had to endure 😦 (and whomsoever managed to overhear/witness my private private-ness!)
I could blame it on Astrology. Or even
mi my mama + papa. But I’m a BIG girl (woman) now (kinda)! So I have to pick uP my own s#it and deal with IT (at last)!
Only when I’m greeted by the comments, reviews and memories of times past and present, I realize how great I’ve had it. One may even say I’ve enjoyed a semi-
charmed privileged 4 (f-o-u-r) decades — thus far (Yeh! Count with me! 4! Can you even believe it?!). And from wayy over here – where I sit, it’s kinda hard to believe right 😉 Hmph!
I’ve been sorta lucky to have been exposed to so many diverse places, people, cultures and experiences from a very early age. In retrospect, I was kinda the same
person personality (type) throughout — in varying degrees.
Just to be clear what that was. Mostly aloof, nonchalant, temperamental (aka moody), sarcastic/cynical, distrustful, cold … Umm a brat?
No.matter.where I went! It just grew over time as I morphed into a more gregarious and
undercover indirect (brat :/).
#ShameOnMe I wasn’t even aware (until recently) that that’s what it was called.
I’m not even sure WHY exactly. But that certainly explains a WHOLE lot. It’s a wonder I made and kept any friends (and such) at all.
I guess I provided good comic relief at times (when I wasn’t pissing everybody off with my dry, wry, cold and biting humour. ha!)
Not purposely of course (of.course)
Maybe it was a defense mechanism, who knows.
Maybe I fell off the bed one too many times in those days of cloth diapers and such (before my parents bought a crib and Huggies came on the scene. I do not jest. Like seriously).
Maybe, shmaybe. I guess it doesn’t matter too much now; in the grand scheme of things, now that it’s all out of the woodwork (if ya know what I mean 😉 and under the bridge.
I wasn’t bullied, or neglected at school, or at home either. People were too ‘afraid’ to tell me much to my face (maybe). Folks always wanted to befriend me (and such). But I was always a closed door. Half open at best. Just open enough to walk away unscathed.
In fact, when I met up with some of those same peeps
from my past lives years later (in the supermarket, malls and such), I sort of ducked them (mostly). And when I couldn’t do this (in time), they were still friendly for the most part. Well what do ya know?!
At this juncture/season; what I’m about to say, I say it with the highest esteem possible. I dunno what people saw in me exactly. Probably my heart + true essence (distilled) beneath alla that goo that was protecting it from … HURT! BETRAYAL! HEARTBREAK! REJECTION! (like all humans? Mine was just a bit more glaring (and biting).
Eureka! By George! I think I’ve finallyy cracked the code on my entire 40 years (yeah!) of existence on this planet (thus far) in less than 20 minutes (less time than it would take to actually post this blog! ha)! See what writing (or a gift once nurtured) can do?!
So umm? Not sure, maybe I have a guiding light over me. And that’s what others see that allow my inner light to shine through, attracting positive people and situations.
But guess what? I still got hurt, betrayed, rejected and my heart broken at times (like everybody ELSE in this life)!
And it hurt even more. Mostly because I pushed virtually everyone away who cared/showed interest with my cold, (spoilt) and nonchalant exterior.
The ones that were true, endured in spite of this (though distance+time may separate cos you’ll feel a bond when it’s true).
The others that didn’t make it, prolly were for my own good (and theirs too).
I’ll share 3 little silent epiphanies + eureka moments I’ve learnt:
Especially for those of you who’ve made this journey before, about to make it and or haven’t quite gotten over it! (If ya feel me, you can post a comment below 🙂
1) No matter where you are on your journey to evolution on planet Earth, we can collectively make our mutual existence one of infinite + sustained love, joy and peace for ourselves and our kin. Just as in THE beginning of time!
How cool and
+ve uplifting is that yo? (wink, wink 😉 Now, who doesn’t want that? An effortless, easy, breezy flow of life-saving-energy shocking you into truly LIVING!
2)Life is AS short or long as YOU want it to be. It’s unpredictable and that unpredictability is half the fun. If you’ve found the secret ingredient to resilience and faith in the unknown, you’ll find yourself enjoying the ride – even the bumpy parts.
By enjoying, I don’t mean happy-happy-joy-joy at every.single.turn! But also calm bliss.
You never know what’s right around the corner. But again, you can navigate (and even avoid) those sharp twists, turns and ‘maddening‘/drama.
Yes! We soo can (too). If we learn to operate from a place of pure intent, relinquishing our attachments to the outcome we sure can.
YoU have the POWER to change any (perceived) lack in your life into ABUNDANCE!
How? Simply by your thoughts. Being still, knowing exactly WHAT you want and WHY.
3)Guard your heart. Guard your space. Guard your words. Guard the energy that surrounds you. I truly think the latter affects your progress and health in more ways than one. Always, always follow your gut (not your belly!) and your first instincts!
Sometimes your heart leads you away from your first instincts. And when it does, sometimes you just have to follow where it leads in order to experience life and love and loss in a different way to find out what’s on the inside and THE other side.
Your HEART is the greatest teacher. Just know when to draw the line between what feels like love, hurt and self-preservation.
What is for you will always be for you and it will never feel forced. Know when to let go when it doesn’t feel right.
Both parties will know. Be honest and strong enough to let go together as amicably as possible. Otherwise that’s NOT your heart, that’s EGO.
Don’t lean on anyone for advice, cos YOU got all the answers (yeah YOU & only YoU!).
No one knows your situation and the other side to the story more intimately than YOU (and maybe the other person depending on where they’re at along their journey).
Sooo ferget the (external) NOISE! It’s only emanating from a relative point of reference; or what’s been said by you, through you or other external forces and sources.
Forget the (internal) NOISE and don’t let your past predict your future. Instead reflect and use the lessons and experiences wisely, so as not to let the beauty of life pass you by, while you sleep walk or struggle through/against the (e)motions.
Internalize if you have to.
Take a time-out if you have to.
Make your OWN mistakes if you have to and own them too. No need to feel guilty or ashamed, you’re human after all. (On the other hand, don’t brag or gloat either).
Cry if you have to (it can be your own pity party – behind closed doors! The criers and bawlers and the truly strong-happy-types – male or female. Just don’t cry forever).
It’s the only way to FEEL, be FREE and LEARN in order to TRULY LIVE and let LIFE come up to meet, greet and EMBRACE (the real) YOU!
You’ll hear from me again before ThAT day, makes its way (round the mountain — and not in an Arnold sorta way either, if ya catch my drift 😉
I’ll also say at this point that my arts & entertainment event which was carded for the Sunday after my birth-day, was
inevitably unfortunately cancelled (due to low ticket sales).
Having cancelled one workshop and another event of this nature in the earlies (when it was truly beyond my control), I’ve already cried those tears and bore those fears.
All this to say, I truly have no regrets or qualms this time around, as awesome as I thought this event may have been. Again what’s to be, will be.
What is truly meant for you will never miss you. Instead it’ll make it’s way back to you times infinity when the time is right and YoU are right within! So wait for it …
When I next come up for air, I’ll be rolling out a brand new line of branded events and other fun and nifty concepts, tailored to blow you away in an undeniable way to those that want to experience it first hand, or benefit in some other (digital) way.
As always, I love what I do thru and thru.
Though at times; I may feel like I’ve had enough, done enough and it’s time to pause and take a backseat (or a different role), mine is not an isolated experience.
Whenever I forget this, I’m constantly reminded that there are others who need me and what I have to offer the world (which I’m sure is true for you).
It’s no longer about me since I’ve been blessed to experience the type of feedback thus far that has truly filled my cup.
I wanna say to those amazing folks past and present: A great BIG Thank You! for the ‘support’ in whatever form. You guys truly brought me back to life.
The new ones who are ready to embrace me, I’m ready to welcome you too 🙂
If you were physically present for any part thereof, I love you for it even more because each creative spin on each new event (or piece of work) was magical in it’s own way (some more than others; but what was said, felt and learnt will always endure).
These most recent years have made me realize that the world truly does not revolve around me. Everyone is experiencing some sort of suffering, highs or lows felt and experienced in a different way.
Sometimes what happens to us in life are not a (direct) result of our conscious actions. Thoughts maybe, (ancestral past/karma even). But we can’t (continue to) blame ourselves or others for what has befallen us. Rather try to understand, appreciate + give thanks for that suffering or pain that allowed something else to be birthed in our lives.
Without crossing those giant hurdles and enduring those (deep) levels of suffering, we would not have had the benefit/opportunity to learn the lessons. Everything is a cycle and if we don’t deal with it effectively now; it’s just gonna keep making it’s way back around like a gale-force wind, getting stronger each time.
Only when we embrace and immerse ourselves in those painful emotions, can we truly learn and apply those tough lessons. Then we can completely leap over those barriers to find and embrace what awaits us on the other side of that pain and be completely ready for it when it comes.
The sooner we do that; we’d be able to transcend our hurt, no matter what that is and operate from a higher state of consciousness to manifest our unconscious desires. Not only for ourselves, but for those immediately around us and beyond.
You just might save yourself from drowning in an unnecessary well of despair, regret, hurt and pain taking everyone down with you. But without the effort of the ‘crew’, the goo will just stick to you like crazy glue, slow down the process and prolong the pain.
The choice is yours (and mine 😉
As I usher in this new year, I’m sending a gift + universal blessing your way which I’m hoping will rise up to meet you wherever you are. There’s a verse in the book of Numbers 6:24-26 that was said to us at church at Old Year’s (New Year’s Eve). It reads like this:
24 “The Lord bless you and keep you;
25 the Lord make his face shine upon you
and be gracious to you;
26 the Lord turn his face toward you
and give you peace.”
Until next time … My Endless Love I give to you alwayz, Carolyn xx