The uncut stuff folks seldom discuss …

Hey there. Haven’t blogged in a minute, though I’ve got so many experiences to share and ‘so much things to say’ as Bob said lol. My 3rd quarter newsletter is also very late 😦

But it will arrive at the right time.

To be totally honest, the past 12 months haven’t been the greatest. Starting with the second anniversary of my Dad’s death last Christmas. As more time passes and another anniversary is about to roll around again, I am beginning to miss him more each day.

Kinda like a delayed reaction in slow-mo. I wish he was here, just to smile and give me a great big bear hug and say,

“Caro, it’s gonna be alright doux doux”  …. Awee….Sniff sniff 😦

All I can do is play Bob Marley and let him speak to my soul and mend my broken pieces.

Don’t get me wrong, there were lots of beautiful moments and milestones shared with equally beautiful, fun and deeply caring people, so I am giving thanks for that.

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Photo by Alan Emery on Unsplash

There were LOTS of wolves in sheep’s clothing too! But such is life. I guess my brother warned me about those ‘vampires’ and I mentioned him in my second book in Chapter 5.

For he introduced me to Rastafari from an early age (not that I am a rasta!). But I am beginning to realize we’re alike in more ways than one, that’s why we can’t get along for too long lol.

But just to explain my mood and growing discontent/intermittent passion and exuberance, which you may have noticed in my writing…here goes …in sum.

In January, a very reprehensible ugly act was done in my neighborhood to bring me and my family into disrepute, which still makes me feel to VOMIT each time I back out of my driveway.

As if I wasn’t dealing with ENOUGH already especially with my Dad recently gone. Having to watch a once lively man, slowly disintegrate and take his last breath before our eyes.

Visiting him twice a day and sometimes sleeping on the cot on the hospital floor in his private room checking on him throughout the night every time I heard a sound.

Taking him out during those prior months, praying with him, playing with him (number, word and board games), reading the Bible with him and the first 8 chapters of the manuscript of my second book, showing him my workshop. 

I got to tell him each.morning. I woke up that I loved him and how pretty he was and watch him giggle and say, “You are pretty too” and on some days, “You are prettier than me Caro” and “I love you too Carolyn, I love all my children…every one.” Awww

I got to cook him fish broth, chicken soup and some of his yummy foods with roucou from Tobago whenever I can, making fever grass tea also straight from Tobago and then … eventually seeing him “travelling”.

Personally making the call to the medics and watching them hook him up to a machine and seeing it flat line and hear their words,

“I am sorry, there’s nothing we can do, he’s gone.”

And then waiting for the undertakers to arrive for his ‘body’ which was no longer a live person (and almost go with the wrong funeral home!).

Then pray over ‘his body’ and finally watch the right ones struggle and eventually cover him up and take him away in the middle of the night, while the rest of the world slept and woke up to a brand new day.

While I dreamt all night with little sleep, then drive around the next morning and wept in the privacy of my car, while I made arrangements for his funeral on my own.

I seemed to recover quickly on the outside within those first few months, with the help of my friends who had lost parents. But wow. The audacity of some people!

It’s been a long journeyyyy…But we made it without cracking and having to live with the memory of this night for the rest of our lives.

Tbh, I only recently started remembering that night. But my mother probably feels it the most, but keeps it inside. Others too. Me? I still cry. All. the.time. Especially at Christmas. 

I believe I have a lot of memories with him and I have pictures all over my place with him. When times are tough, when I close my eyes I see him and I am never afraid.

Having said all of this, I still can’t believe there are really people with NO heart existing in the world that could do such an injustice to someone while they are still in grief!

To be so consumed and overcome by the material things of this world, when it’s from dust and ashes we come, and dust and ashes we all leave – taking diddly squat with us.

It amazes me each.and.every. time the level of amoebic dysentery [Google that one] thinking of some humans.

Also dealing with….

Leaving my full time job to follow my true love (writing) and build my brand mostly on my own, hosting 3 unique and intricate events….which really took a toll on me.

(Yep, it was my decision to leave my job and move back home to spend quality time with my father in the final year of his life (and he still visits me in my dreams). But I also hit a new level in my career, published 2 more books, been published and featured in more publications, TV shows, met some terrific inspiring, talented movers & shakers, made new friends and soo much more. Most of all that sense of fulfillment and purpose you get when countless people all over the world tell you how much your work has helped or touched them in some way 🙂 Wow. That’s all I ever wanted; to know that my work has meaning.)

As well as other personal and stressful challenges along the way including depression, lack of motivation and recovering from a motor vehicle accident last year when an ignorant driver did not pay due care and attention and broke the major road.

This after literally 20 years of me driving incident FREE all over unfamiliar country roads throughout Trinidad AND Tobago. Wow.

Things to make you go hmm right?! Well, I could have been broken (or dead) but I’m not.

My situation is not that different from anyone else’s, others were worse. So I am still giving thanks for my other blessings, my undying faith in a Higher Being and the ability He has given me to recover and reinvent myself and over and over again.

Anyho! All this to say, that’s why you weren’t hearing from me. There’s so much to it, but I will save that for if I ever decide to write a mini novella.

As we say in these parts, “moon runs, until daylight catches up with it”. I had to translate that creole register for my international readers. It simply means that every unkind act will be repaid accordingly. I am not worried one bit that justice will be served one day.

On the Brighter side of things! I had lunch with a friend yesterday and was able to let go and vent without judgement…and we brought each other back to reality….

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Photo by Davidson Luna on Unsplash

In all the $hi%s & giggles, here’s what we mutually agreed upon:

Life is what you make it…what you put in or accept is what you get back.

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.

So either change your life, or keep quiet, grit and bear it, until you can. Your past is what brought you to this moment.

I choose my friends and the people in my life VERY wisely.

Some I’ve know for 20+ years and even though waters, distance and time may divide …we’ve stuck by each other’s side…without fail.

A simple phone call, text or email and it’s like….wow….electricity…the connection is undeniable. Nothing forced and pure vibes.

We can tell each other off and laugh the next time we speak with no malice or animosity.

I can be totally myself and let it all hang out and they will literally tell me when I am being an ass or spoilt brat LOL and vice versa.

Kinda like the relationship I had with my Dad…how ironic. Sometimes he would just laugh and laugh and shake his head with my theatrics just the day before. Other times, he would just get very quiet and I knew I had to make up.

There’s a tribute to him and my mom in my second book and how the roles were reversed in Part 1 & Part 2 of How To Find Yourself & Claim What’s Yours.

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Photo by Milada Vigerova on Unsplash

But nobody can make you change and change is not an overnight fix.

It takes awareness, conscious action and loads of self control & practice.

Don’t let others judge you for your foibles because they can’t see and appreciate the good parts of you.

True friendship and love is unconditional.

Many say you are lucky if you find 2 or 3 like that in your lifetime.

Hmm well I am …not a spring chicken by any means, but there are so many of these beautiful people that put up with my shenanigans and we check for each other almost every week in good times and bad…for the past several years….male and female.

Strange? But true.

YOUR blessings will be made manifest, based on your heart and they will be visibly apparent….without you even advertising it for the world to see.

The GREATEST deeds and memories happen behind closed doors when no one is even looking.

Some things are SACRED and belong only in your heart and mind and in the hearts and minds of your loved ones…unless there is a meaningful lesson to impart to others, or if someone else stands to benefit in some way.

– Carolyn K. Correia (c) 2017

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Photo by Brooke Lark on Unsplash

I saw a beautiful video on social media last night which always brings tears to my eyes (I’ve gotten mushy within recent years!) The words that remained with me were:

“And in your life, what is that you desire most?”

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Photo by Alex Blăjan on Unsplash

For me, it is peace of mind & unconditional love.

I will follow MY heart wherever that is…

 

That’s all she wrote.

Endless Love,
Carolyn xxx

 

For more, follow me on social media, via this blog or shop for my books on Amazon and at leading local TT bookstores at  www.carolyncorreia.com

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