This time next Sunday we will be already 4 days into December. But for now…I will not rush time…I would stay in the moment and enjoy the few days of November that’s left. What a blessing it is to be ALIVE! I was just reading over my journal entries from 2 years ago and reliving the last few days that I got to spend with my father before he was called from this life. It’s surreal. In a few days it would be exactly 2 years since his passing. Wow.

I just came home a few hours ago from an interview I did for the newspaper I write for, followed by a meeting with a writer/communications comrade I was reunited with.blog

We talked and talked and talked until I looked around the courtyard and up at the sky and it was literally dark!

It just so happens that I did a Directing course with her at university many moons ago before she left to study in Brazil on a scholarship! What a very small world.ย 

We got to talking about all sorts of stuff and she was telling me what she thought about grief and how those who have died have a journey as well and when we grieve and hold on too long, we prevent them from continuing their journey. Wow.

It’s an interesting school of thought. But I don’t want to dwell, though all of us at some point have lost or will lose loved ones, I’m not sure if it’s something many people want to openly discuss. I will just say this…

Some cope better than others and I thought I was one of those people until I was driving and heading east along the highway this past month on two occasions and a flood gate opened as I started to weep like there was no tomorrow.

The first was when I passed a police officer on a bike “timing” on the highway and I remembered as a child how my Dad could always tell when they were doing this. Has this happened to you or is it only me!?

The second time was whenย I drove by “UWI doubles” which is a sort of street food near the university where I did my undergraduate studies. I suddenly remembered when my father used to drive me to school on the days I was too tired to drive myself and how proud he was of me that I was attending university.ย Then I just couldn’t help myself…pent up tears just started to flow and flow and flowwwww….until I got to my next meeting in Valsayn ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

I felt like how one of the local cable/telecom companies must feel when the internet breaks down across the island. I just couldn’t stop. Why?

I was crying for all the months I did not cry for him.

I was crying maybe because I did not cry enough after he died.

I was crying because he could not see all the milestones I have accomplished and enjoy this time with me.

I was crying because I could not hear his voice and his laugh and talk to him anymore.

I was crying because I could not reach out and hug him and touch his face.

I was crying for how his illness and death was so unexpected.

I was just crying me a river!!!

Nevertheless, it was cathartic and healing (of course I discovered this after I concealed my soppy mess, wet face and red eyes with shades, so drivers-by wouldn’t think some man had broken my heart and sent me on my way up the highway!)

The funny thing is I don’t have these feelings when I am at home, despite having pictures all around my desk, living and office space. Weird how these things work huh?

Moral: We all grieve in different ways and different times for different periods of time. Life goes on. We must carry on and make our loved ones proud. It’s not your fault and you don’t deserve to carry that burden. You did everything you could.

I got my closure having moved back home to be closer to him when he needed me most. My memories keep me warm.ย I did everything I could possibly do and told him and showed him I loved him every day to his very last day. In fact in his last few days, the last words he ever uttered was my name over and over again (but I wasn’t even in the room to hear it!)ย 

I paid tribute to him throughout my 6 year memoir which he encouraged me to write – How To Find Yourself & Claim What’s Yours..in the good times and not the so good ones and I know I had his blessing. I am glad I documented these memories so I can always remember and refer to this for all time. Try documenting your treasured memories.

I am not sad…but I celebrate the good times and his memory lives on. He comes alive in my mind and his lessons and kind and gentle spirit will never die.

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Tobago circa January 2013 – Dad helping me get ready for work on his visit!

Find your healing in your own way and you would cry no more. Your loved one won’t want you to cry for them everlasting, but rather rejoice and celebrate their life.

They lived and fulfilled their purpose.ย And now you must do the same and let them go and continue along their journey…Until you meet again.

Please comment if you find this blog useful. You can also follow my journey on Facebook.

Until next time,

Peace & Love,
Carolyn xo

 

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