Sooo….I attempted to do a blog for the past 3 days. But I ended up getting hooked on #MadMen. Yup, so I finally joined the Netflix bandwagon. And now I can’t stop! 😦
I watched the first 6 or so episodes from Season 1 and all of a sudden I felt an affinity with these fictitious 50s characters…especially that dreamy Don Draper #TooHot 😀 (who somehow reminds me of my Daddy)!
Anyway, suddenly I realized that 90s movie, “Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead” was right all these years: “TV rots the brain” is what she said right before she died sitting in her chair.
I felt really tired and ironically all I did was sleep a great deal and watch Netflix for the whole weekend. I got little or nothing done. By the time Monday rolled around I was so distracted from the pace I was accustomed to, I opened my blog and all my other things on my to-do list and felt a huge writer’s block.
I made a few business calls and sent some emails, updated my spreadsheets and that was it! I guess it was just one of those days. But being a night owl, I suddenly felt rejuvenated as I took another shower and had my first cup of English breakfast tea for the day. Oh, how I missed that caffeine rush! I planned on skipping my meditation class but instead I felt motivated to go and I’m glad I did.
As is usually the case, the whole drive there I thought about my Dad, sitting with me there in the passenger seat (as he usually did) and smiling at my driving skills lol. (He always said I was a good driver, and to this I would always say to him, “I learnt from the best :-)”) As I jumped out of my vehicle, I looked around the neighbourhood and all the glimmering lights as night set in with all the aromas of persons in their homes cooking and again thought of him doing the same. I could almost feel his presence. Or was it my imagination?
The thought of him flickered in and out of my thoughts during my meditation as I focussed on my mantra!
All weekend long, I tried to convince my mom and sister that I am no longer grieving, but suddenly I went back in time to the time of his death (when I started my meditation class). I thought about the day and time and the reactions of my siblings as we called them at their various locations. My mind was in overdrive and my thoughts seemed so loud in the stillness of the room. I suddenly felt their pain and I realized I am still in mourning, just not in an overt way, every moment of every day.
The music following the class always makes me weepy and I think I cried twice over the last 6 months while the lights were out. Indeed it is a deep lurking sadness that never ends sometimes buried deep within our subconscious and expressed differently by each of us who have lost loved ones.
Each night as I turn out the living room lights, I pick up his photo from off the coffee table that he built with his own two hands. It is a picture I took of him smiling in his baseball cap up at Mt. St. Benedict a few years ago, I kiss his picture and talk to him briefly telling him how much I love him, then I release those feelings and let them go. I feel no sadness, but I feel at certain times he is near and watching down on me (or beside) me with love and pride and protection.
I wish I could understand this process more. I am learning each day. For now, I will continue to write to express what I feel in my heart and soul. It is not an ache, but an acceptance for what is, because I know this is how it was meant to be. As the anniversary of his death draws nearer, I know these feelings may get stronger, but I am so glad for all the quality time I spent with him and these memories will stay with me forever.
I know I will see him again and he would be his normal self: Full of life and humour and all his sensibilities in tact.
I will love you forever times infinity papa. Sleep well. Until we meet again. xo
Peace & Love