Monday is a day to set the pace for the rest of the week. My Monday got off to a good start, but only when I ventured way past my front door. I woke up feeling kind of low…missing my Dad and knowing finally that he is not coming back. For the past month, it felt like he had just gone out and is coming home soon, as I felt connected to him in spirit like never before. But now, it’s beginning to finally to sink in that he is really gone. 

I’ve dreamt him once over Christmas and more recently for the past two nights. I knew I had unresolved feelings in my mind to deal with. The last week or so, I have been asking my friends who have been there before if something was wrong with me, since I don’t really feel sad anymore. They told me no and that I have dealt with it in my own way, but this day would come. 

I woke up knowing full well that I had to pull myself out of this “funk” because I had a big meeting with someone who I’m hoping would be my agent. I was so looking forward to this all week and then the big day was here and I felt like sleeping in…for a month!

I went into my mother’s room and lay on her bed. The memories of that dreaded night came rushing back…blow by blow. I thought: What if I did that CPR course the company sent me on (twice) in 2005? Could this have helped? Sighh…

I managed to get ready and put on my best face, but as I drove to my meeting I felt the tears about to take over. I kept saying to myself: “Carolyn: you’re going to ruin your make-up and be a big ole mess by the time you get to your destination.” 

It did not work.

I remembered the time when I visited my parents last year before heading back to my new home in Tobago. Through my mind’s eye, I remember sitting on the couch with my Dad and him begging to come back to Tobago with me. It broke my heart to tell him he couldn’t come by himself. He protested and did not understand why. Yet, I couldn’t bring myself to tell him that he had Alzheimer’s. 

I felt as though I missed out on those memories of ‘what could have been.’ He loved it so much the first time he visited that every time I came home for a weekend, he asked about my job and wanting to come visit me. But I know I more than made up for that with the other memories when I decided to move back home to Trinidad. Those are priceless.

As I drove this morning, I prayed and prayed and fought and fought and I managed to regain my composure. I prayed for the person I was meeting to see me through the eyes of Christ and vice versa. I prayed for the Lord to guide my words and speech. I prayed like I never prayed before. And it worked. I dried my tear-stained cheek and proceeded to the lobby. 

My meeting went well and above all I am glad for the opportunity to connect with another like-minded soul. Now I wait and pray some more and hope for the best. “Nothing before it’s time and everything happens for a reason” is what I rely on. Faith is my driving force.

Today I got a lot done. After my meeting, I met my friend Nadia for an impromptu lunch at Panini Cafe. I ordered my favourite crab wrap and before I knew it, I told her about my feelings, since she knew my Dad the longest out of all of my friends. I got a lot of other errands done and all in record time. Things that I’ve been postponing for a while. It felt good. My Monday ended up being good after all. With other meetings and things-to-do all lined up, I think my week is off to a good start.

Giving thanks and Making it Count.

Peace & Love
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